Can I Have $5.00?

Photo: IndyDina

I’m a big guy, but for some reason, that doesn’t stop strangers from approaching me in parking lots for all sorts of crazy reasons. It happened again a few days ago.

But let me back up a little.

Maybe five years ago, I came out of a Hy-Vee and a kid, who was probably 19, approached me. He had a pamphlet he wanted me to take. The edges of the top page were dark – as if he had made photocopies from photocopies. As he attempted to hand it to me, he said he was from the Communist Party USA and I needed to read what they had to say. Umm, no thanks.

A couple of years ago, a guy who was maybe 25 and clearly intoxicated, stumbled toward me in a Walgreens parking lot. He said he wanted money for cab fare because he had to get to his sister’s house. I refused him, politely, not at all convinced his intentions were honest.

“You’re going to do me that way?” he said.

“What way?” I said.

“You’re just going to punk me like that?”

“I guess so.”

“You’re a big guy, but I’m not afraid of you.”

“I’m not afraid of you either.”

He hesitated and seemed as if he were about to give up. As I opened my car door, he lifted one of his legs as if he were going to kick my front corner panel. I started toward him, prepared for a fight if necessary, but before he could even complete his kick, he stumbled backward and was unable to complete his mission. I think that embarrassed him, so he gave up, hurling insults at me as he left.

Last year, as I was putting groceries in my trunk at the same Hy-Vee parking lot where communists do their recruiting, a couple approached me. The man had long gray hair, pulled back into a neat ponytail. The woman seemed younger by maybe 10 years. He did all the talking. They didn’t have a penny to their names and they coasted into Omaha on fumes. If they could just get enough money to fill their gas tank they could live in their car until they figured things out.

I offered to call a local homeless shelter for them so they would have a place to eat and sleep for a while. The man gave me the stink eye and said, “We’re not going to a homeless shelter.”

Not long after that, a woman approached me in a different grocery store parking lot, desperate for cab fare. She needed to get to her sister’s house on the other side of town. I offered to call her sister, but she refused. She just needed the money for the cab fare. I declined.

Not long ago, an intoxicated man approached me in the parking lot of a Dollar Tree store. He wanted $5.00, no excuses given. The answer was still no.

A few days ago, the same woman who needed cab fare to get to her sister’s house on the other side of town approached me in the same grocery store parking lot with the same story. I just shook my head.

I’ve been approached many more times than I’ve listed here and in every case someone wanted something from me – even the communist, who wanted my time. The thing is, I don’t wonder if I’ve missed opportunities to be a Good Samaritan. The Good Samaritan had compassion for a man who had been stripped, beaten and left for dead by robbers. He wasn’t approached by a man with a suspect story.

I do, however, wonder about the real stories behind the suspect stories whenever I'm approached. Don’t you?

Latent Christianity

Photo: summonedbyfells

What we need is not more little books about Christianity, but more little books by Christians on other subjects – with their Christianity latent. – C.S. Lewis

Years ago, when a writer shared this quote from C.S. Lewis with an email list I belonged to, I printed it, cut it out and placed it under my see-through plastic desktop protector. It's still there and I read it often. It's an odd quote to hang on to for a writer who spends so much of his time writing for the Christian market, like I do. But the quote resonates with me, so much so, that it's the driving philosophy behind this blog.

The quote from Lewis comes from an essay he wrote called "Christian Apologetics." I did a little research recently and discovered the essay appeared in a number of published works over the years. One such place is in a compilation book of his essays called "God in the Dock: Essays on Theology and Ethics." I recently downloaded a copy of it to my Kindle. In context, the quote about latent Christianity comes as Lewis is discussing science.

I believe that any Christian who is qualified to write a good popular book on any science may do much more by that than by any directly apologetic work. The difficulty we are up against is this. We can make people (often) attend to the Christian point of view for half an hour or so; but the moment they have gone away from our lecture or laid down our article, they are plunged back into a world where the opposite position is taken for granted.

He goes on to say this:

It is not books on Christianity that will really trouble him [modern man]. But he would be troubled if, whenever he wanted a cheap popular introduction to some science, the best work on the market was always by a Christian.

I don't know when Lewis wrote these words, but he died in 1963, so it's safe to assume his message is at least 50 years old and it seems to me his words are even more relevant today than when he wrote them. By definition, if Lewis' words were to be taken seriously, Christians would be writing about every topic under the sun and their faith would be inherent, not necessarily explicit, in everything they write.

Why do such a thing?

Because the gospel is comprehensive. It applies to all areas of life. Until a skeptic can see that, Christianity is just a religion without much use, except to mark births, marriages and funerals. But when Christians present and live out a comprehensive gospel – one that not only speaks to the culture where it is, but also loves people where they are, then Christianity no longer looks like a religion. Instead it looks like purpose, and depth and redemption.

Of course, the irony of Lewis' words is, he wrote them in an essay to Christians. But I don't think he was saying Christians shouldn't write to encourage, build up or challenge each other in the faith. Instead I think he was saying we should also write for the culture at large. That's what I try to do here. So, whether you are Christian, a believer in some other faith, a skeptic or someone who is trying to figure out what you believe, I hope you find something here at Little Nuances that speaks to you.

20 Bowling Personas

Photo: Jonathan Keelty

I've been bowling with a group of guys every Monday night for nine years. You both see, and do, a lot of funny things in those nine years together.

Just so it doesn't sound like I'm making fun of the following list of 20 bowling personas I've witnessed, let me tell on myself.

During those nine years, I have bowled on the wrong lane a couple of times, threw my share of gutter balls, slammed a Styrofoam cup of Diet Pepsi on the table in frustration – causing the cup to break and pop to go everywhere, and bowled a 297 game while not even reaching a 600 series that night. I am also sweatpants guy. I can't imagine bowling in jeans or dress pants.

With all of that said, here's the list of 20 bowling personas you might see on any given night:

1. Shorts guy: This guy bowls in shorts year round, even when the temperature drops below zero. I understand wanting comfort, but not at that cost.

2. Backward surfer guy: After he releases the ball, he begins to surf backward – arms extended, unsteady on his feet, attempting to direct the ball with this awkward body english. I'm always afraid this type of guy is going to fall or drift into my lane when I'm in the middle of my delivery.

3 Spider-Man guy: Two weeks ago, we bowled against a guy who would release the ball, go down on one knee and do all sorts of hand motions in celebration every time he struck. During one such instance, he turned his palms toward the sky and pretended to shoot spider webs out of his wrists, a la Spiderman – only I think he believed he was shooting lighting bolts instead.

4. One-handed delivery guy: This type of bowler will not touch the ball with his non-delivery hand during any point in his set up or delivery. Why? I have no idea, but it makes for good conversation.

5. Leaning Tower of Pisa guy: He releases his ball and leans one direction or the other, believing his body has a direct connection to the ball and it will obey. When I bowl next to these guys I'm always afraid he is going to lean across my lane, creating a collision that would not be pretty.

6. Towel over shoulder guy: He's confident in his bowling ability and you can see it every time he slings his towel over his shoulder. I've never seen a bad bowler who does this.

7. Two lane courtesy guy: He's convinced he's on ESPN and therefore deserving of at least a two lane courtesy, preferably though, you will give him four lanes – to which I'm always thinking, "Dude, this is a Monday night bowling league and your average is 156. Just bowl." 

8. Backward hat guy: This guy is serious about bowling, but that doesn't mean he is good. Unlike when you face towel over shoulder guy, you can't tell if you are going to be demolished that night or not by simply looking at him.

9. I got ripped guy: He's convinced that every time his ball comes close to the head pin, every pin should fall, every time. 

10. Phone on belt clip guy: I don't know how in the world this guy ever delivers the ball without coming into contact with his phone, sending it halfway down the alley, but he's skilled at avoiding his phone. I've never seen one of these guys make contact with his phone on his delivery. That's impressive.

11. I won't look at splits guy: So, the I got ripped guy buries one in the pocket, or so he thinks, but he's left with the 8-10 split. I won't look at splits guy, who is bowling next to him, turns his back on the split in disgust. He will not bowl next to such a mess no matter how many stares other bowlers who want to be home by 9:30 pm give him.

12. The stand and watch his shot guy: He releases his shot and he's afraid he's going to miss something, so he stands at the line for five seconds after his ball has made contact and all the pins that are going to fall have fallen, just in case an earthquake hits and knocks the rest of the pins down.

13. The can't wait his turn guy: You are standing on the in-between step waiting for one of the guys next to you to bowl, hoping he won't be a backward surfer guy, Spiderman guy, Leaning Tower of Pisa guy, or stand and watch his shot guy and when it's your turn to go, a guy on your other side walks right by you, picks up his ball and stands on the approach – all because he can't wait his turn, something he should have learned in kindergarten.

14. The yell a teammate's name guy: This guy is usually drinking pretty heavily and he gets louder as the night goes on, yelling the first name of teammates from the back of the alley every time they release a shot. "TOOOOOMMMMMM."

15. The unsolicited teacher guy: "You're not following through. When you release the ball, slap yourself in the forehead with the palm of your hand. That way you'll make sure you are following through." Ummm, okay, but who are you and why do you care if I bowl better or not? 

16. The punch the machine guy: He's usually an I got ripped guy, although not every I got ripped guy is a punch the machine guy. The punch the machine guy throws what he believes should be a strike and since he got ripped he is going to take it out on the ball return or the scoring monitor. Then he's going to visit the ER.

17. The cranker for the sake of crank guy: He can put a lot of spin on the ball and he wants you to know it, so he puts 9 million revolutions of spin on the ball per square foot. Of course, he has no idea where the ball is going, but at least the ball is spinning and he's pretty sure you are going to be impressed.

18. The throw the ball as hard as possible guy: His backswing says it all. He winds up so he can throw the ball through the back of the bowling alley with hopes that it'll still have enough juice to make it down Main Street so everyone can marvel at his power. He is bowler; hear him roar.

19. The scowl faced guy: He might be mistaken for ultra competitive guy, but competitiveness might not be his motivation. He could be looking to pick a fight or he could be the victim of the hot dog that has been circulating on the wire dispenser all day.

20. Ultra competitive guy: Combining elements of Spiderman guy, two lane courtesy guy, I got ripped guy, I won't look at splits guy, can't wait his turn guy, yell at teammates guy, unsolicited teacher guy, punch the machine guy, scowl faced guy and maybe a couple of others, he talks trash within ear shot of his opponents. He pumps his fist every time he strikes. And he is often the loudest guy in the place. Bowling is life and life is bowling.

The Best Romantic Comedies

Kate Beckinsale's performance in Serendipity
is one of my all-time favorites
Photo: Karen Seto

Paste magazine did a story recently about the 17 Best Romantic Comedies This Decade. I’m a connoisseur of the romantic comedy, so I ate this up. Unfortunately, not all of it stayed down.

I won’t dwell on the duds that made the list (Waitress, Knocked Up) or even wonder about the movies I’ve never heard of that made the list (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Before Sunset, Amelie).

But somebody must stand up for the great romantic comedies of this decade that didn’t make the list.

I volunteer:

• Any list chronicling best romantic comedies that doesn’t include Serendipity is automatically suspect to me. I’m just sayin’.
• Same goes for The Notebook.
• And no Elizabethtown? Come on! You’re killing me Paste magazine. You’re killing me.
• Music and Lyrics should be on this list.
• And who wasn’t swept away be the magic of 50 First Dates?
• Garden State was left off? How?
• C’mon, who didn’t shed a tear or two when watching Dan in Real Life?
• Definitely, Maybe. Definitely, definitely should have been on the list.
• A Walk to Remember was a beautiful teal jerker that was shunned, but shouldn’t have been.

Can you think of any others? Remember, they had to have been released this decade.

ALF Quotes

I haven’t included any ALF quotes here for several months. I popped in Season Three on DVD a couple of nights ago and almost died laughing at the following things he said:

“The turkey is gone. I can’t bring it back. Wait! Maybe I can—if I can remember which stomach it’s in [Melmacians have eight stomachs]. Hack. Hack. Hack. It’s not in number eight.”

* * * * *

“What is it?” ALF said to Lynn as he wondered what type of food she was about to serve him.

“Guess.”

“Rubber vomit.”

“Pumpkin Jello.”

“I can’t eat that. Hey, I’ve never heard myself say that before.”

* * * * *

“Picture if you will an ordinary flowerpot—empty to the human eye, but one tap with my magic want and the flowerpot becomes…big jaggedy pieces of clay [it broke when he hit it with his wand]. Ta-da!”

* * * * *

“Being no good at something is no reason to quit. Ask anyone at the Fox network.”

* * * * *

“Yes! Yes! I came, I saw, I demolecularized.”

* * * * *

“Hocus-pocus, go for broke-us.”

* * * * *

If you want more (and how could you not!?), here you go:

• ALF Quotes #1
• ALF Quotes #2
• ALF Quotes #3
• ALF Quotes #4