I've never been crazy about small talk. I've always had this belief that engaging it was phony and ultimately just a waste of time—especially when doing so with store clerks or other customer service workers who are paid to be nice. It always left a sour taste in my mouth.
My distaste for small talk is rooted in the typical razzing that overweight kids get from peers in school. I was already shy, so every time someone made fun of me, I sank a little deeper inside myself, with no real desire to come out and see what the real world was up to.
I've always had a few close friends at different stages of my life and I was happy with that. I had people to share life with—so why participate in small talk with people who were supposed to be nice? To a degree it felt like an extension of the mockery I'd come to despise.
One day several years ago, a friend challenged me…
"Thanks and have a nice day," a store clerk said to me.
I echoed her remark in a nonchalant fashion and walked out of the store.
"What was that all about?" my friend asked.
"What do you mean?"
"She was polite, and you hardly acknowledged her."
"I said 'Thanks' didn't I?"
"Yeah. Barely."
"She has to be polite," I said. "That's her job. That wasn't a real conversation."
For the first time though, I actually had second thoughts about my objection to small talk. My argument had some merit, but as I drove home that evening I came to the realization that the problem wasn't really small talk, or store clerks, or any other outside entity. My problem was me. I had operated in self-protection mode for so long that I had become bitter toward strangers.
Shortly after this event, another friend challenged me to begin taking chances in life—with other people and with my dreams. She believed that I could accomplish my dreams before I ever even considered them to be possible. I was always just content to dream. She was patient, and loving, and firm in her insistence that I be more open to all that life has to offer.
One day I took her advice…and I was rejected after showing interest in a woman who, as it turned out, had no interest in me. But for the first time in many many years, I felt fully alive, complete with anticipation, and excitement, and yes, ultimately defeat—the complete spectrum of the human experience all in one afternoon.
I'm still shy and I'm still afraid of being ridiculed or rejected, but I've actually begun to enjoy small talk. It's not a waste of time, but rather, it's the way people begin the process of interaction. And in reality, no matter how much we might deny it, most of us long for personal connections.
